Dear Ashley, 23 January 2024
I was walking outside down from Carson Hall (formerly Patterson Hall), and I saw a man throwing frisbees around the disc golf course. He was down a hill from me so as I went in his direction, I saw only the frisbee at first.
And I didn't right away recognize what it was. But it floated beautifully in the air. It was yellow. After a second or two, I descended from my reverie and realized somebody had tossed a frisbee.
Then, I saw the person as my line of vision sufficiently crested the hill. He was alone, so I realized that he must have been practicing, not playing against a partner.
At once, I realized that is not for me. I had vivid inner clarity on this, a clarity I do not think I have had before. I am changed, a different sort of person from when I roamed the fields and woods in my youth.
So, I now have no interest in that sort of thing. Maybe I used to. But something rich inside of me suggested that I never truly was.
Indeed, it was a bit of a puzzle, at once a curiosity and conundrum. I could not identify with the "me" that had done things like that. I remember the fact that I did, and even did so with enthusiasm, enjoying the company I was with. But the competitive aspect was something at heart, I preferred not to be part of.
The reason for this disconnect, I think now, was that a dominant reason (unknown to me then) that I worked to become skilled at competitive sports was so that others might like me, or enjoy being with me, and I could ostensibly get married. This is craven if it is the sole operating principle ... which of course it wasn't. I had reasonably healthy relationships with friends in my school years.
Still, in retrospect, I can easily see that it was too much of a dominant motive for me. I should have spent more times reading books and preparing for my future as a teacher. I know this because I have learned more about my true feelings, what I truly enjoy, and these things glorify God all the more.
I don't have anything against people competing in sports, games and other activities; I think it is beautiful when people peacefully play things together, and especially when they can get outside and walk around.
I believe that I am at heart drawn far more deeply to other things. I enjoy reading and writing. And I like small conversations with one or two, maybe three people, like at a coffee shop or some comfortable private place. I enjoy quietly gazing upon the faces of loved ones while listening to them talk with each other. (I did this while lying on the floor by the fireplace at Lambton a couple of weeks ago, when Scott came over to run an rpg game with Jordan, Christopher, and David. Just listening watching them from a bit of a distance was one of the most beautiful and soothing experiences of my life, Ashley.)
I feel a deeper comfort when I do not feel pressure to speak much. This is the height of intimacy for me, and I experienced it some in my youth, but only lately, since marriage, in watching my kids, have I been freer to commune this way.
Nathaniel was depressed after his psychosis, and I believe I tried too hard to make friends who could perhaps be a good influence on him. In that period, the few years after Nathaniel's psychosis, I wish I had not worked to make friends with people, but trusted God to just let it happen ... and in the process relaxed and enjoyed my loved ones all the more. Paul Butler, Delia, and Ron Gilliam used to wear me out, listening to stuff I didn't agree with. Bobby was different; he truly loves us and would stop whenever I interrupted, saying I needed to go or get to bed.
I now do not believe God ever called me to be a competitive runner, though I fooled myself into taking my giftedness as a runner as a calling. Placing a career focus on this gift was an aberration on my part, from God's plan for me to become a teacher. I truly wish I had spent less focus on running as a career and more quickly gotten through the college certification required for teaching in North Carolina. That was a colossal and sad mistake in my life.
But, God always cares for us. He merely wished to use my love of running as a means of me spending time with him alone, up on the trails, not for me to dream about setting world records and being able to earn enough money that I didn't have to get another job, didn't have to study education and become a teacher.
We just have to recognize that God always cares for us through thick and thin, and therein work with Him to get the best sanctification and set back on a better career path. I had to get that over and over. I was not walking in obedience with Him whenever I was not studying education.
The education courses I took at UNC were wonderful, and I got a lot of ed courses at App State, but I was not pursuing an education major at App State, rather business studies, music, psychology, ESL, alternative technology, English, and French. The five graduate level English courses there at App State were good, though, and helped me immensely with my ESL teaching later in life.
It is difficult to have good memory and you can overdo self-criticism (Christ paid the price for our sins and only the Devil wants you to "beat yourself up about past sins"), but a believer needs to examine his life in retrospect and learn from mistakes, particularly when he has children, for they inherit similar tendencies, genetically and psychologically, from having modeled on their parents.
I spent 18 years training for a career in middle distance running, and it had a big influence on my life, but not a healthy influence by and large. Or, the mere fact that I can see clearly now that God did not call me to that -- and I pursued it anyway -- which did not work well for me.
Of the time I spent living and training in the North Carolina mountains, there were beautiful experiences of me on the long, gentle training runs in the woods around Moses Cone Park, me alone with God for a couple of hours each morning.
And the friendships I made were in some ways golden. But, these were the friends who were writers. I didn't make friends with athletes, I think instinctively because I didn't want to be competitive in training.
I Love You, Miss Charlotte. Sleep well and have a good day.
Our Fire Video: https://www.wral.com/video/news/video/18162267/
Love, Pappa
